‘I Have No Choice’: The Mindset That Keeps Women Stuck at Work
How to beat the bias and earn like the Steves
TL;DR: BATNA isn't just negotiation jargon—it's a framework for breaking the "I have no choice" prison that keeps women accepting less. Stop operating from desperation, start seeing all your options.
Hey there 👋
I have a friend who's stuck in an impossible situation at work. She was hired to essentially take over her boss's former role when he got promoted. Except he doesn't want to let go. So she has the title but zero responsibility, autonomy, or authority. He's effectively sidelined her so his boss can't see her exceptional—literally award-winning—skills. She’s not just doing less impactful work—she’s being actively erased. And she’s internalizing it.
She's brilliant, experienced, and completely trapped. If she stays, she's invisible. If she leaves, she faces a brutal job market that's particularly harsh on women over 40.
"I have no choice," she tells me. "I just have to make this work."
But what if she's wrong? What if she actually has more options than she realizes?
This is where BATNA comes in. Not as some MBA buzzword, but as a framework for actualizing your worth when you feel powerless.
BATNA stands for "Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement." It's the answer to: "What would I do if this situation doesn't work out?" But for women, BATNA is much more than a backup plan.
It's a way of breaking free from the "I have no choice" prison that keeps us accepting less, over-giving, and people-pleasing our way to mediocrity.
The Problem Pattern
Here's what BATNA reveals: Women operate from artificial scarcity. Even when we have options, we convince ourselves we don't.
Like my friend, we get stuck in false binaries:
Stay miserable or quit
Accept disrespect or cause conflict
Do everything ourselves or let others down
Be grateful for scraps or seem ungrateful
This "either/or" thinking keeps us trapped because we can't see the third, fourth, and fifth options that actually exist.
And here's what's really happening: We've been socialized to believe that having alternatives is somehow wrong. The message? Good women don't have backup plans. Good women are grateful for what they get. Good women make it work, no matter what.
So we artificially narrow our choices until we genuinely believe we're trapped. Then we operate from desperation—in salary negotiations, with boundary-pushing colleagues, in toxic team dynamics.
The kicker? This "no choice" energy is visible. When you believe you have no alternatives, everyone can sense it. You become the person who can't say no, who absorbs unlimited work, who smiles through disrespect. You become indispensable in all the wrong ways.
Meanwhile, the Steves are operating from abundance. They always know they have options, so they negotiate from strength.
How Most People Try to Solve It (& Why It Fails)
Standard advice tells you to:
Research market rates
Build your network
Keep your resume updated
Apply for jobs regularly to "test the market"
Save six months of expenses
This is the "have a backup plan" approach. It's tactical, logical, and completely misses the psychological trap most women are in.
The problem isn't that women don't know how to create alternatives. The problem is we've been conditioned to believe having alternatives makes us disloyal, ungrateful, or selfish.
We conflate desperation with dedication. We think "I have no choice" signals commitment. Really, it signals that we can be taken advantage of.
We mistake either/or thinking for realism. My friend sees only two options: stay trapped or quit into uncertainty. But what about negotiating a different reporting structure? Documenting the situation and escalating strategically? Building direct relationships with her boss's boss? Creating a transition timeline that gives her more autonomy?
We're afraid to explore options because it feels like betrayal. Looking at other possibilities feels disloyal, even when we're being treated poorly.
The psychological research is clear: People who feel they have no alternatives make worse decisions, accept worse treatment, and perform worse under pressure. They also trigger unconscious biases about competence and leadership potential.
When you operate from "I have no choice," others sense your desperation—and treat you accordingly.
The Solution: The BATNA Framework
The BATNA framework isn't about having perfect backup plans. It's about systematically expanding your sense of what's possible.
Instead of asking "What's my backup plan?" ask "What are ALL my options?"
Here's how to apply it:
Step 1: Audit Your "No Choice" Stories
Write down every situation where you tell yourself "I have no choice." Include work frustrations, relationship dynamics, family expectations, living situations.
For each one, ask: Is this actually true, or does it just feel true?
Step 2: Break False Binaries
When you catch yourself in either/or thinking, force yourself to find a third option.
My friend's false binary: Stay invisible or quit into uncertainty
Third options she discovered: Proactively present her award-winning work directly to senior leadership, propose an evolved role definition that leverages her expertise, create visibility for her contributions while strategically repositioning herself within the org.
Step 3: Build Your Options Portfolio
Think beyond traditional alternatives. Your portfolio might include:
Different approaches within your current situation
Lateral moves within your company
Industry connections who could provide insight
Skills that transfer to adjacent roles
Geographic or remote flexibility
Financial scenarios you could manage
Professional development that opens doors
Step 4: Practice Choice Language
The words you use reshape your thinking—and how others perceive you.
Instead of: "I can't..."
Try: "I'm choosing to..." or "My current approach is..."
Instead of: "I have to..."
Try: "I've decided to..." or "It makes sense for me to..."
Instead of: "I'm stuck..."
Try: "I'm evaluating my options..."
Step 5: Test Your Energy Shift
Notice how you feel when you remember you have choices versus when you feel trapped. That shift in energy? It's visible to everyone around you. People treat you differently when you know you have options.
Power Practice for the Week
Choose one area where you feel "stuck" or like you "have no choice." Spend 15 minutes brainstorming every possible alternative—even the ones that seem crazy or imperfect.
Don't commit to any of them. Just practice seeing options where you normally see none.
Then notice: How does it feel to remember you have choices? How does that energy shift show up in your interactions this week?
The Short of It 💫
BATNA isn't just a negotiation tool—it's a framework for actualizing your worth. When you systematically expand your sense of what's possible, you stop operating from desperation and start operating from strength.
The framework works because it breaks the false binaries that keep women trapped: stay or go, accept or rebel, be grateful or be difficult.
When you know you have options—even imperfect ones—you negotiate differently, set boundaries differently, and show up differently. You project the quiet confidence that gets you taken seriously.
The Steves have always operated this way. They negotiate from abundance because they've never been taught that having alternatives is wrong.
Time 👏 for 👏 us 👏 to 👏 catch 👏 up!
With you all the way,
- Kara
P.S. Next week: "Stop Solving the Wrong Problem"—the decision-making framework that helps you figure out whether you need to change your approach, fix the team dynamics, or push back on a broken system. (Spoiler: It's usually not you.)