⌚️ Communication Hedging: When It Helps Women and When It Hurts
Practical tips guiding women from reliable team player to well-paid leader.
TL;DR: Hedging language ("just checking in," "sorry to bother") isn't a confidence problem — it's strategic adaptation to workplace dynamics where women face backlash for directness. Research shows that sometimes strategic hedging actually works better than pure directness. The key is knowing when to be direct and when to employ "strategic warmth" depending on the context.
Hey there 👋
I spent some time this week helping a friend negotiate the terms for her new job. Every time she wrote a direct request, I watched her type, delete, rewrite, and ultimately add back in phrases like "I was hoping we could..." and "If it's not too much trouble..."
When I pointed this out, she admitted: "I know I should be more direct, but it just feels so harsh without the softeners. I want to soften it by like 10%."
Sound familiar?
The thing is, this isn't just a bad habit or lack of confidence. It's actually survival conditioning — a deeply ingrained code we've learned to navigate workplaces that weren't built for us.
And simply telling women to "be more direct" misses the entire point.
The Problem Pattern: The Survival Code That Undermines Your Authority
Have you ever caught yourself writing emails that start with:
"Just checking in..."
"I was wondering if..."
"Sorry to bother you, but..."
"If it's not too much trouble..."
These phrases aren't random habits or character flaws - they're adaptive strategies we developed to survive in environments where direct communication from women is often penalized.
Research from Harvard Business School found that women ask for raises just as often as men, but they're 25% less likely to receive them. And here's the kicker: women who communicate directly face real backlash that men simply don't.
So when you feel that physical discomfort writing a direct email? That's not weakness — that's your threat-detection system working exactly as designed. It's telling you, "Careful, this could be dangerous."
How Most People Try to Solve It (And Why It Fails)
Standard advice about women's communication often completely misses the point:
The "Just Speak Up" Approach: As if you haven't tried that before 😒
Women who speak up without strategy often face what researchers call the "backlash effect" — penalties for violating gender expectations.
The "Find Your Voice" Method: This advice assumes women don't know what to say. In reality, we know exactly what to say — we're just also painfully aware of the costs of saying it.
Both approaches frame this as a personal failing instead of recognizing it as a strategic response to real workplace dynamics.
A study in the Academy of Management Journal revealed something fascinating about women's career negotiations. After studying the negotiation accounts of over 450 professionals, researchers found that successful women executives don't just "ask" directly — they employ high-level strategies of "bending" and "shaping" organizational norms to advance their careers. This research reveals that the standard advice to "just be more assertive" completely misses how women actually succeed in negotiation.
"Bending" is when women negotiate for exceptions to organizational norms. For example, one executive in the study negotiated a developmental assignment that deviated from the standard career path. Instead of accepting an unsatisfactory role proposed by her boss, she built a coalition of support and negotiated a creative solution where she could serve on a high-profile task force while still supporting her home department. This "bending" allowed her to progress in a way that standard channels wouldn't permit.
"Shaping" involves negotiating proposals that actually change organizational structures or practices. In one example from the study, an executive negotiated to expand her role by making a case that the organizational structure itself needed to change. Rather than just asking for a promotion within the existing structure, she convinced stakeholders that the business would function better if restructured in a way that expanded her authority. As she put it: "I don't think it had ever crossed their minds that the business might function better if it was structured differently."
Both strategies go far beyond the standard advice of "just ask directly" and show how successful women navigate organizational barriers strategically.
The Real Cost of Hedging: Finding the Balance
Before we get to solutions, let's be honest about the complexity here:
The Double Bind: Research confirms what many of us experience — women face a "double bind" in communication. Use too many hedge words, and you may undermine your perceived expertise. Be too direct, and you risk social backlash for violating gender expectations.
The Strategic Value: According to Forbes research on women negotiators, traits often associated with women's communication styles — cooperation, empathy, relationship-building — can actually create long-term value in negotiations.
The Context Matters: Harvard Business Review found that communication strategies that work in one context may fail in another. The most successful women adapt their approach based on the specific situation.
The Pattern Problem: The real issue isn't occasional strategic hedging — it's habitual, unconscious patterns that undermine your authority in situations where you need to be clearly heard and respected.
This isn't about eliminating all hedging — it's about developing awareness of when you're hedging automatically versus strategically, and building a more versatile communication toolkit.
A Strategic Approach: A Workable Game Plan
I'm not going to tell you to "just be more confident." Instead, let's develop a practical approach based on what actually works:
1. Recognize the specific triggers
Document exactly when you hedge. Is it:
With certain people? (Usually those in power)
About specific topics? (Money, credit, disagreement)
In particular contexts? (Group settings vs. one-on-one)
Understanding your specific pattern helps you target your response rather than trying to change everything at once.
2. Build your communication toolkit
Create specific alternatives for your most common communication scenarios, understanding that different approaches work in different contexts:
Strategic communication toolkit:
Remember: Remember: Different approaches work in different contexts. Strategic warmth signals can build rapport in new relationships, while clear, direct language may be more effective when you've already established credibility.
3. Reframe negotiations as problem-solving
As highlighted in Forbes, one of the most effective strategies for women is to not even call it a "negotiation." Instead:
Frame discussions as collaborative problem-solving exercises
Use inclusive language ("we" and "us" instead of "I" and "me")
Leverage your natural strengths in empathy and relationship-building
Invest time in understanding the other person's aspirations and needs
This approach plays to women's natural strengths while avoiding the backlash that can come from direct self-advocacy.
4. Test In Lower-Risk Settings
Don't try to change everything at once. Start with:
Written communication before verbal
One-on-one conversations before group settings
Peer interactions before upward communication
4. Document the actual (not imagined) results
Women often anticipate more negative consequences than actually occur. Create a simple tracking system:
Note what you said (the more direct version)
Record the actual response you received
Compare this to what you feared might happen
This builds a personal evidence base that helps counter the fear of directness. The data often shows that direct communication works better than we fear.
5. Create environmental support
Don't do this alone:
Find at least one "directness buddy" who will give you honest feedback
Create email templates for your most common communications
Schedule a 5-minute review period before sending important messages
Research from McKinsey & Company shows that having structured support significantly increases women's success in workplace negotiations
👉 Power Practice for the Week
Monday: Audit your sent email folder. Note patterns in your communication — both when you hedge and when you're more direct. What's different about those situations?
Tuesday: Identify the contexts where you're most likely to hedge excessively. Choose ONE specific situation where being more direct would serve you better.
Wednesday: Practice reframing one upcoming negotiation conversation as a problem-solving exercise. How would you approach it if you were solving a shared problem rather than making a request?
Thursday and Friday: Try one new communication approach from the table above in a relatively low-risk situation.
Weekend: Reflect on what happened — how did the other person respond? How did it feel to you? What would you adjust for next time?
My friend who was negotiating her job offer? After our back-and-forth where I kept removing her hedge words and she kept trying to add them back, she finally said, "Fuck it. Without." The response she got? An immediate "Yes" to her request with no pushback whatsoever.
But another friend took a different approach when negotiating remote work — rather than directly asking for what she wanted, she framed it as solving the problem of team productivity during a major project. She got exactly what she needed without any resistance.
The Short of It ⚡️
Hedge words aren't character flaws — they're adaptive responses to real workplace dynamics
Women have unique strengths as negotiators — cooperativeness, empathy, and ethical decision-making
Strategic reframing (negotiations as problem-solving) often works better than just "being more direct"
The most successful women don't just "ask directly" — they employ sophisticated "bending" and "shaping" strategies
Changing communication patterns requires more than confidence — it requires context-specific strategies
Start small, document results, and build from evidence, not fear
This isn't about becoming someone else — it's about communicating in a way that gets you the recognition and compensation you've already earned.
With you all the way,
- Kara
P.S.
Next week we'll tackle another code that keeps women from advancing: the compulsion to take on invisible work. I'll share exactly how to identify career-limiting tasks and how to decline them without damaging your reputation. Because advancement isn't about doing more — it's about doing what matters.
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This is such helpful advice. I screenshotted the chart so I can always reference it!