A colleague used work email to recruit for a cult. I got blamed.
How to beat the bias and earn like the Steves.
TL;DR: Stop diagnosing yourself when the system is sick. Before you buy another productivity book or blame your communication style, ask: Am I being set up to fail? The problem isn’t that you need fixing—it’s that you’re trying to succeed in a broken system.
Hey there 👋
Years ago, when I was the #2 at a school, we suspected a member of the senior leadership team was using her work email to recruit for a cult she was involved in. (TRUE STORY!)
My boss had me trawl through her email to find evidence—which I found. When he confronted her, she made up some story that he bought, and then... I can hardly even bear to write this... he made me apologize to her in front of him for "invading her privacy."
The gaslighting was so intense that I actually wasn't sure: Was I at fault? Was my boss? Or was there something systemic at play that I didn't understand?
Spoiler alert: It wasn't me.
Here's what I've learned after 25 years watching women twist themselves into pretzels: We're solving the wrong problems. While men get promoted for identifying systemic issues, we get praised for being "solutions-oriented"—which usually means quietly fixing broken processes instead of calling them out.
The Problem Pattern
Women have been conditioned to internalize workplace dysfunction as personal failings. When something goes wrong, our first instinct is to ask: "What did I do wrong? How can I fix this better?"
This pattern shows up everywhere:
Calling it "work-life balance" when it's actually impossible workload
Labeling it "imposter syndrome" when it's actually systematic exclusion
Diagnosing "communication issues" when it's actually being interrupted and dismissed
The research backs this up. According to the latest Women in the Workplace study, when women raise concerns about workload or workplace culture, they're often treated like they're "making things up" or need better time management skills. Sound familiar?
Meanwhile, the same behavior that gets women labeled as "complainers" gets men recognized as "strategic thinkers who identify process improvements."
How Most People Try to Solve It (And Why It Fails)
The standard advice is all about self-optimization:
"You need better boundaries"
"Have you tried the Pomodoro Technique?"
"Maybe you should take a communication class"
"It sounds like you need to manage up more effectively"
Or my personal favorite: "Have you considered that this might be a growth opportunity?"
Here's why these approaches fail:
They treat symptoms, not causes. You can't productivity-hack your way out of being set up to fail. You can't boundary your way out of a toxic system. You can't communicate your way out of being systematically devalued.
They reinforce the very bias that created the problem. When we accept that workplace issues are our fault to solve, we're buying into the narrative that women are inherently less capable of handling "real work."
They exhaust our resources. Every hour spent on self-improvement to fix systemic problems is an hour not spent on actual strategic work that advances our careers.
The psychological research is clear: When people are set up to fail, they often internalize the failure as personal inadequacy. This is exactly what Harvard Business Review's research on the "set-up-to-fail syndrome" demonstrates—bosses inadvertently create conditions where certain employees can't succeed, then blame those employees for underperforming.
The Solution: Diagnose Before You Optimize
Step 1: Diagnose before you optimize. Before you buy another productivity book, ask yourself:
Is this problem showing up for other people in similar roles?
Are the expectations I'm trying to meet actually realistic?
Am I being held to different standards than my male colleagues?
What would happen if I named this as a systems issue instead of a personal failing?
Step 2: Document the gap. Start collecting evidence:
Track the actual time required for "quick" requests
Note when you're asked to take on work outside your role
Record instances of being asked to solve problems that aren't yours to solve
Step 3: Reframe the conversation.
Instead of: "I'm struggling with work-life balance"
Try: "I want to discuss how we can right-size this role given the current workload expectations."
Instead of: "I need to get better at managing up"
Try: "I've noticed some communication patterns that are impacting our team's effectiveness. Can we discuss how to optimize our collaboration?"
Step 4: Test your hypothesis. Present systemic issues as business problems that need organizational solutions:
"I've been analyzing our project timelines and noticed we're consistently underestimating by 40%. This is creating unrealistic expectations and impacting quality. What if we built in buffer time or adjusted our capacity planning?"
This positions you as strategic rather than overwhelmed.
Power Practice for the Week 💪🏽
Pick one problem you've been trying to "fix" about yourself at work. Instead of looking for personal solutions, spend 30 minutes documenting:
When did this become "your" problem to solve?
What would need to change systemically for this problem to disappear?
How would a male colleague likely approach this same issue?
Then test one reframe in your next meeting. Instead of proposing to fix yourself, propose to fix the process.
The Short of It 💫
Stop diagnosing yourself when the system is sick.
The problem isn't that you need better time management—it's that you're managing an impossible timeline.
The problem isn't that you lack executive presence—it's that you're being interrupted and dismissed.
The problem isn't that you need to communicate better—it's that your input isn't being valued.
You’re not a fixer-upper. You’re the architect.
With you all the way,
- Kara
PS: Next week, we're diving into The Collaboration Trap—how being “easy to work with” becomes a full-time job, and what to do when teamwork kills your authority. Spoiler: The most "collaborative" woman on your team probably has the least influence.